Life as I knew it
In the mind of a ten-year-old girl, there is not much that can make her world turn upside down expect for transferring schools, moving to a new town, and living in a broken home. All of these events can truly take a toll on a young life, and they definitely did on mine. This is the story of my life and my fall to depression, but since you are reading this today, I consider it a brighter ending.
The depression started to make itself known throughout my pre-teen life; although it escalated when I hit the age of twelve. Not having a stable home and the media pressurizing girls into what they should look like, made life difficult. So whether I was at home or school, my world seemed to be crumbling.
Faking a smile became much easier than having people ask what was bothering me. The depression was not only sadness as some would imagine; it was more the weight of life I could not carry on my own. It grew so intense that one day I decided to finally end it.
The date was Wednesday, March 28, 2007, when I attempted suicide. I grabbed a light blue headband from my sister’s bathroom and took it to my room where I looked the door. No one was going to disturb me or try to change my mind. The note I left was actually a video in which the audience would not be able to see the tears on my face, but they would be able to hear the anger in my voice. I blamed the people who had hurt me.
After the video had been recorded, I started tightening the band around my neck. The room around me grew darker and darker as the headband became tighter and tighter. Then right as I was about to lose consciousness, a word suddenly came to mind. That word was “Carly,” my little sister. How could I leave her to fend on her own? She was not strong enough to deal with the loss of her best friend and the continual fights at home.
I immediately let go of the headband allowing the air to flow through my lungs once more. Not only was that my first step to recovery, but it was also the first time I had truly heard God’s voice. I had grown up going to church and trusted Jesus as my Savior, but that had made dying look more satisfying than living. Believing in Him and knowing Him (I came to find) are two different matters entirely. God saved me that day in more ways than one.
Although the thoughts still lingered in my head, the pressure was not as great. I went to counseling and grew to love Jesus through the help of the people around me.
Did this mean life became easier suddenly? Of course it didn’t, and it may even be harder now. But this wasn’t the end because God hasn’t finished writing my story. He may have kept me around so that I could tell this story to you or maybe it was to glorify Him; either way I am glad He did. God lifted the weight off my shoulders and gave me a new perspective in life. Each new day is a blessing from Him, and it is up to us to make the most of it.